i’ve decided i’m ready for a relationship, that doesn’t mean i’m going looking for one. It just means that if something came along, i feel as if i’m mentally and emotionally stable enough to handle one. for the longest time i’ve been terrified and scared and yes, parts of me are still hesitant but i’ve learned to take those feelings of hesitation and just learn to take caution. i think i’m okay now and my hearts all healed up, that doesn’t mean i’m going to give it away…. but i’m willing to let you hold it. Whoever you are.

i’ve been feeling so numb lately, nothing really excites me or makes me happy. i mean of course i do smile and i do laugh but i’m not really really happy. i feel like i have nothing to look forward to. i know there is so much of my life ahead of me, but dear God i am so fucking bored i could cry. i try to do things that are healthy but it’s not working i pray, i eat healthy, i work out, i work my steps, i work with others, i talk about things, i try to do activities but i’m still so bored. i don’t mean to sound ungrateful because there is nothing wrong with my life, but there is also nothing special about it either. i feel like i’m just waiting, like i’ve spent so much time just waiting. waiting for time to heal wounds, waiting to grow up, waiting to go somewhere. just waiting, i just feel like by now i should just be. i’m a human being. maybe idk how to just be, things have seemed dull and i’m craving change. i’m seriously just so numb.

sometimes i feel like my brain is just a blender. Where all my thoughts end up blending into one big mess and becoming this sickly green color. it takes me a while to notice that this has happened sometimes, and then once i’ve realized that i have a head full of ugly it takes me a moment to remember how to turn the blender off. i used to not know how to turn it off or if by some chance i accidentally shut it off i didn’t know how to sort out my thoughts in order to get rid of that green, dull color. it’s beautiful and comforting to know that i can coordinate the colors of my head now. all it takes is a few simple steps and i’ve separated the blue from the green and the pink from the purple and suddenly everything becomes brighter and more stable. that is, until i plug the blender back in. it’s amazing to me that i’m able to see the rise and fall of my own mind. it’s strange to me that i can even find beauty sometimes in that sickly green color, because if it wasn’t for that blended chaos i would not appreciate the color coordinated bliss that is my brain. the blackout last night was beautiful in a sense that everyone became so simple. aside from smart phones most people were cut off from technology. i saw neighbors sitting in the grass playing games and laughing. People walking their dogs together. my roommate and i lit candles and giggled until we fell asleep. everything became so simple and the night sky was lit up by the moon rather then ambient light and all the stars became visible and just for a night we weren’t hiding behind technology we were bonding with words face to face. and it made me wonder why i always worry and why there is ever worry. it made me wonder why we are so reliant on electricity. it also made me wonder why we don’t do this more often. maybe sometimes things like this happen as reminder to just slow down. take a moment to get to know your neighbor or sit and giggle with your roommate. life is too short to make it so complicated.